It’s World Smile Day. I had no idea. It’s funny how much these days mean since Caleb died. It’s a way to look back and remember. A way to recall the memories, so that they remain vibrant and beautiful. It’s a way to look forward to a time when we will be making memories again.
I carefully pulled up Caleb’s instagram account to find a smile pic to post to my bereavement group. Carefully, because it’s not always wise to look at his social media accounts. It brings up so much pain, knowing that he no longer maintains it. It’s just too hard. But today was different.
His very last post, 122 weeks ago, was a highlight in his life, for sure! Surrounded by friends and family, he and Ren, committed their lives together, till death do they part. We just didn’t imagine in a million years that death would come so soon. A month later, he saw the face of Jesus. He said this , “Just a few of the memories from our wedding day. Surrounded by incredible people and overwhelmed with support, encouragement, joy, and love. A day to remember . . .”
Loosing Caleb will always be a wound I will bear. It is like a limb being torn away from your body. You can’t get over it. You will always hobble around. But you begin to carry it differently. You have joy again. (Something I never thought possible…or even wanted for that matter!). Not because you’ve forgotten them or because the pain went away. It doesn’t. It won’t. Thank God! I would be devastated if that happened, because the grief reflects the love. Caleb was a gift. Just because he left us, does not negate that fact. The grief reflects the depth of the gift. But the joy gives you hope. Hope that this life isn’t all there is. It’s actually just a blip in time. A moment, then it’s gone. The joy allows you to look forward to the day when standing before the beautiful face of Jesus, I can imagine him saying, “There’s someone who’s been longing to see you.” Till that day, we wait. We run the race of life.
My birthday is coming up. There was not a birthday that ever went by that Caleb did not remember. He always wrote me a birthday note or called. He loved me. Celebrated me. Believed in me. Prayed for me.
I recently did something that was out of my comfort zone, hard. I was asked to lead a bible study. It was just one night, but it was still hard. I’m more of an introverted extrovert and the thought of letting my own voice be heard as I lead other women in a study, is not something I have ever done, or ever felt I could do. I thought with a joyful ache in my bones, how proud Caleb would be of his momma. I can just see those shining, smiling eyes, and him telling me how proud he is of me. Have you ever seen the people cheering on their loved ones at a marathon? They are so excited, so hopeful, so proud. They really believe in their people. That was Caleb.
But as I sit here this morning, I realize that he’s still cheering me on. Still looking at me with those smile eyes. It’s just not here. He is part of the great cloud of witnesses in heaven cheering me on from across the other side.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2