Once upon a time…
It’s the way all good stories begin.
My Caleb’s story, began on a cold December day just a couple weeks before Christmas. As the world was readying itself for holidays filled with dinner parties, presents, and Christmas treats, my body was readying itself to be emptied out: to bring my firstborn son into this world.
It was a gift to be Caleb’s mom: to share in his story. I just never expected that our story would include such heartache.
When Caleb was born he had the most beautiful cry of any baby I had ever heard. Of course, I was pretty smitten with this little blond headed boy with the big blue eyes. Ever since I can remember, he was an observant, shy, tenderhearted little boy who was acutely aware of those around him. He could sense your sadness or joy and always sought to soothe in whatever ways he could.
In high school, he really struggled with not having a “direction,” so we hired someone trained to help you figure out your strengths and giftings. Caleb took a test and then we all sat down to discuss the results. I remember something the man said, very clearly…
“Caleb, you’re the type of person that while everyone is running out of the burning building, you are running into it.”
That’s my boy. He saw your need and would rush in to meet it. He had a way of entering into your joys and sorrows. You rarely felt alone when you were near him. He saw you. He really cared. I miss sharing my heart with him. In hearing his.
Making friends was difficult for this shy, homeschooled boy. And traveling around as a military family did not make that easier. But this gave him an opportunity to grow close to his siblings and build so many memories together. I have a picture in my mind of all of them running under the falling autumn leaves for a game of Catch Them Before They Hit the Ground. Oh! Caleb could create the BEST games! He would entertain his siblings for hours with games like The Couch Game. I would hear the chatter and the laughter from the kitchen and smile. He had a way of making everything fun.
But just as all good stories have a hero, there’s also a conflict: a struggle that the hero is plagued by. For Frodo, in The Lord of the Rings, it was the ring and his own desire for it. For Edmund, it was his own selfish and prideful desires which led him to be in league with the White Witch against Aslan in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. For my Caleb, it was his heart. He struggled long and deep with what he saw there. He saw his own deadness and rebellion against God and struggled much with reconciling that with the love of God.
“How could God love me, a sinner?!!” he would say.
One evening when he was 9, I was saying goodnight and he got quiet, his lower lip trembling. In tears, he asked, “What will happen if I don’t go to heaven mommy? Lately, I’ve been sinning more and more. Not less and less.”
There were many times over the years when he would ask me to pray for him. I would stop whatever I was doing and cry out to Jesus. It was such a huge part of our relationship. He could trust that I would hold his heart with gentleness and care and above all, that I knew who to take his troubles to. At times, I felt so inadequate, so easily discouraged. I saw such beauty in Caleb. It broke my heart that he struggled so. There was a tenderness and sensitivity for others and for God that was as much a part of Caleb as the ugliness he saw in his own heart. I reminded him that though we can’t hold on tight enough to God, he is always holding on to us. And he won’t let go. The very fact that he was struggling, was evidence to me of God stirring his heart to be aware of his own sin so that he could see how much he needed God! “Ask him your questions!” I told him. “He can handle your doubt! Keep memorizing his Word, hiding it in your heart! That’s where you will find the strength and the words that will help you in your battle against Satan, and your own sinful heart.”
After Caleb ran ahead to heaven, we found this in his journal…
“I want my focus, my desire, my fulfillment and satisfaction, my pleasure, my reason for living to change and to reflect a greater glory than my own.”
There was a deep desire and a burning passion within Caleb to be authentic: as a child of God, a son, a friend, and a husband. He discovered that when he was intentional in his walk with the Lord, as well as in the lives of others, he found his true purpose. Small talk was not his forte. But he was adept at getting to your heart; your struggles, joys, hopes, and dreams. He wasn’t pushy about it. Sometimes, all you’d see is that beautiful smile with the twinkling eyes, looking at you. Really seeing you. Really caring.
Frodo had to face his weakness and his inability to destroy the ring on his own. Edmund had to face the result of his own ugly selfishness and pride and the pain and suffering that came because of it. Through his own weakness he was able to see and understand the Lion’s strength.
The last few years of Caleb’s life, he still saw the ugliness of his own heart. This still discouraged and saddened him.
But there was something more.
Something that had grown in the darkness.
What was once a seed of truth and beauty that he longed for, was growing strong and stout, sure and steady. The truth and beauty of Christ and what he had done for him began to eclipse his own sin, and Caleb began to fall in love more and more with Jesus.
Caleb’s story was one of struggle. But it is also one of hope.
Of darkness. But also of light.
For the true hero of Caleb’s story was not Caleb.
One of our most favorite children’s bibles is the Jesus Storybook Bible. In it, the author, Sally Lloyd Jones, tells the story of Jesus from Creation to Revelation and how every story in between whispers his name. After Adam and Eve gave in to Satan and disobeyed God, sin came into the world, but this tragedy is not the end. She writes,
“God loved his children too much to let the story end there. Even though he knew he would suffer, God a plan – a magnificent dream. One day, he would get his children back. One day, he would make the world their perfect home again. And one day, he would wipe away every tear from their eyes.
You see, no matter what, in spite of everything, God would love his children – with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.
And though they would forget him, and run from him, deep in their hearts, God’s children would miss him always, and long for him – lost children yearning for their home.
Before they left the garden, God whispered a promise to Adam and Eve: ‘It will not always be so! I will come to rescue you! And when I do, I’m going to do battle against the snake. I’ll get rid of the sin and the dark and the sadness you let in here. I’m coming back for you!’
And he would. One day, God himself would come.”
Jesus was the hero of Caleb’s story. Though Caleb would often fall, Jesus would never stumble. Though Caleb would doubt, Jesus would remain constant. Though Caleb would be faithless, Jesus would never waver.
And Oh! The beauty of this truth! Jesus loves my boy. Even more than I do. The last few years that Caleb was here, I could see it in his eyes…he began to believe it.
On his Spotify playlist he named, “Satisfied,” Caleb included this song by Steffany Gretzinger, Out of Hiding (Father’s Song).
Come out of hiding, you’re safe here with me
There’s no need to cover what I already see
You’ve got your reasons, but I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown and I hold the key
…
’Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still, I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
…
Now rid of the shackles, my victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
I’ll be your lighthouse when you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything
No need to be frightened by intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to me, woo-hooah
…
Keep on coming, aye
And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story…
This is the story of that Great Rescuer, the one who broke through time and space to enter our suffering, to save a people that had rejected and run from him. It is the story of Christmas. It’s what truly great stories are made of, but even better. It’s the Greatest Story ever told.
It’s the story of all those who’ve placed their trust in Jesus. It is my story. It was Caleb’s story. Is it yours?