Yesterday, I finished a half century worth of revolutions around the sun.
So many emotions jumbled up in this 50 year old heart…love, joy, sadness, the ache of grief, loneliness for loved ones not near, joy in those that are, gratefulness for all God’s precious gifts.
I find that grief is so multidimensional. Someone may ask how you’re doing. How do you respond?…
“Good,” you say. But that doesn’t quite do it.
“Struggling. It’s been a hard day.” That doesn’t quite do it justice either.
Maybe I should write you a paragraph describing all the ins and outs of my grief today? No, not that either.
So, I do the best that I can. And trust that if we have more time, and if you are interested, I’ll tell you the rest. If not, that’s ok. Maybe we’ll just remember to pray for one another and show grace. That’s a good thing.
I miss Caleb’s birthday notes to me on 3×5 cards. His simple way of being intentional. Of loving well.
“I love you mom.”
“I’m so proud of you mom.”
His voice rings pure and true in my ears. I’ve still got one in my wallet, almost faded past the point of recognition. Oh, his kind and gentle soul! How I miss him!
October 7th, 2021….he wrote his last birthday note for his mom. When I read it, I cried. I hugged him and told him, with tears in my eyes,
“Thank you son. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
One day I will hear him speak those words again.
Yesterday, maybe he was thinking of me too; knowing how difficult it must be for me. Maybe he asked Jesus to shower me with an extra measure of grace, and to remind me that it’s worth it.
Maybe he even asked Jesus to give me a birthday note.
I think He answered that prayer, sweet boy.
It was written in the good and sweet gifts of the day. It was in the beautiful sunrise and the wind in the trees. It was in the breath in my lungs, and the blood that still courses through my body. It was in the sweet messages from friends and family. It was in the beautiful voices of my kids, calling from distant places. It was seeing the compassion and love for their mum in their eyes, in hearing it in their voices. It was in a clean house by my youngest two girls (something Caleb had always encouraged them in, to surprise me). It was in seeing them serving faithfully and joyfully and loving on others. It was in the delicious breakfast Kyle made, and in the lunch with a dear sweet friend. It was in a surprise video call with family in Connecticut. It was at the Missions Conference in the evening at church and talking with others there about their experience serving for the sake of Jesus.
So, yes. I did get a birthday note yesterday. It wasn’t on a 3×5 card, but it was from God’s heart to mine. And maybe, just maybe, Caleb got a front row seat watching it unwrap.
I think it made him happy. I know it did, for me.